not feelin' it

Am currently obsessing about something silly. Must stop.

I have a charity happy hour planned for tonight. I've been looking forward to it for about a month. I paid for the cover and then extra for raffle tickets. I have my fingers crossed for the JetBlue tickets. Hello, vacay! The problem is simple, it is the afternoon of and I simply do not. want. to. go.

I'm used to doing things alone by now and have gone to many a Happy Hour alone - example, another charity happy hour I went to back in June at which I thought I was going to stay 20 mins. I ended up shutting the event down. At 10 pm, don't get excited. But tonight, as I am still minus one, the option doesn't seem quite as enticing as when I reserved my spot a month or so ago. Plus it is all the way downtown. I'd have to get on the subway. Whine. Whine.

The real reason behind all this is that I've had a bad week. Last night, I couldn't wait to retreat to my bed, my remote and Under the Tuscan Sun on AMC. Note to self: buy Tuscan villa ASAP. I can hear the whispers of Oxygen and Lifetime and the call of a vegetarian burrito with extra hot sauce. I yearn for my pjs. If I'm gonna be alone I want to do it on my turf, not in a bar where I make small talk over loud music. I'm just not feeling the "alone in NY thing" today. I'll come back tomorrow.

Buuuuuuuuuut I did sign up for this. If I don't show, the money still goes to the charity so it is just a charitable donation but I paid extra for those stinkin' raffle tickets. And the clincher - I don't want to regret not going. This could pull me out of the funky mood I can't seem to shake. I could end up closing it down again.

My decision deadline is 5 pm, at which point I will clock out with a destination in mind. T-minus 32 mins... It really shouldn't be this hard...

I'm in a funky place.

does not compute...

Love this... I may be awful at math but I can relate.

They have some other great ones here.

My weekend was... (Sept. 25-27)

Feeling a bit gloomy on this wet and waned Sunday evening. While I wait for the season premiere of Brothers & Sisters, how's about a little perspective...

My weekend was...

• gaining more knowledge about what I DON'T want in a guy. Case and point - Mr. Obnoxious. He felt it necessary to point out that he hates Manhattan, insist that he doesn't give money to homeless people, chastise me for giving money once or twice touting that "It is illegal. I know. I'm from here." and spitting on me repeatedly while yelling all of this in my ear and becoming more and more intoxicated. Check please!
  
• taking one for the team and watching as my sweet and so-deserving roommate chatted with Mr. Obnoxious's quiet and nice friend, who got her number at the end of the night.
  
• ripping a bumper sticker off the wall of the restroom because it has my brother's first and middle name on it. So cool.
  
• watching a group of kids who have seen more hardships in life than they should have at their young ages chase a football across a field - laughing, running, and so excited to be outside.
  
• watching a Columbia U football game with high rise apartments in the background.
• my chocolate corduroy jacket, brilliantly patterned scarf and a crisp fall day.
  
• seeing my somewhat longtime crush and knowing in my heart of hearts that it is getting a bit easier to see him and that one day someone (like him, maybe?) will come along and want me back.
• ditching the dating scene only one beer in for a night of eggs and fries at the diner.
  
• the freedom and time to decompress after a busy weekend - to hang out online, watch ridiculous television, and cook good food on a stormy Sunday.

I may already have a case of the Mondays but I'm trying to see the silver lining... "Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett."

What was your weekend?

take a chance on me...

When was the last time you took a chance?

As a kid I was shy - extremely so. I didn't really start coming out of my shell until college and even then I was still a wallflower and fairly socially awkward until a couple of years ago. And since it is inherent in my personality, I still can be. A lot of times if you're shy you come across as snobby. That didn't really help in high school. My first "outside the box" decision came when I decided to study abroad for three months. I was 20 and in college but had been living at home to save money so this was my first time away from home - and I was going far away. Even so it was a bought-and-paid-for, limited-time trip with chapperoned travel and organized courses and accomodations. It was college abroad. Yet it was a great start and I came back with a whetted appetite.

Fast forward a few years to when I decided to take a huge risk and move to New York alone with no job. Everyone had an opinion and a comment. Some thought I wouldn't make it, that I was too shy. Yet in addition to my tendency toward bashfulness I am also incredibly strong-willed and have been since birth. I wanted to do this. And I did. That was nearly two years ago. It was the biggest chance I've taken to this day and it has offered the biggest reward.

I boarded that plane with two suitcases and a lot of hope - I haven't looked back. It has been nearly two years full of chances. I've gone into so many social situations where I didn't know a soul that I've lost count. I moved into three apartments full of strangers - crossing my fingers I wouldn't be on the street a week later because I woke up to someone hovering over me with a knife. I went speed dating, tried online dating, and smiled awkwardly through many a blind date. I dragged a 50 lb. A/C two blocks and up five flights of stairs to avoid paying for delivery, coordinated a very espensive and stressful move with two college kids who let me ride to my new abode in their rented truck, and most recently, joined a social sports league to meet new friends and thoroughly embarass myself in an elementary school gym once a week. It is almost as if I have gotten so used to taking chances that I never would have two or five years ago that it has become commonplace. I've stopped recognizing them for what they are and what it means to the girl who was formerly so shy she would avoid places and people and hide in the bathroom during dance class when it was her turn to dance in front of her more talented classmates. So it is time to start recognizing the bravery and strength. We all need to do that for ourselves.

What have you done lately that's brave? It obviously means different things for different people.

if you give a girl an online shopping cart...

Lately I'm embracing my inner girl and forget that my bank balance freaks me a bit.

Here are things I'm considering.

Necklaces from wiyomu:

I do have a new necklace I got for my birthday though that has my first initial on it.

or this:

or this:

I'm also in the market for new boots. Isn't everyone? Seriously though, mine are falling apart and I told myself last winter that I'd purchase new ones this fall. My cousin has posted about her faves and I'm going to be an annoying copycat and say I love these from dsw.com.

Sigh. I need 2 pairs - 1 black and 1 brown. I want things that are versitile and I can wear to work with both pants and dresses and then casually with jeans. I heart the riding boot look but would those look too clunky with dresses and tights? Also, I'm a whimp when it comes to heels. I can do them for a while but with as much walking as I do in the city, my feet start to hurt. Mama can't afford to take cabs everywhere. I think the black ones on the left are about as high as I can go.

Finally, I am newly obsessed with Francesca's Collections. I've also been obsessed with dresses lately so I'd like to buy a few more. The dresses here are the perfect blend of cute and easy-on-my-wallet and I'm always finding things I want. In fact, when I went to the website to find this one on the left, I found these others. What's a girl to do?

That doesn't even include the coat I then found and this t-shirt I think is adorable. It is this English major's kitchy dream. I wish they had Jo March from Little Women or Scout Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird though. Alas, I may not have a very big shopping gene but it is definitely there, esp. in an online shopping cart!

Freaks! All of 'em!

(photo courtesy of click3.tv)


I joined an online dating site again. I just can't seem to wade through this dry spell I'm having. Yes, I am a bundle of contradictions.


My specialty is "winking." That way a guy knows I'm interested but I don't have to craft long e-mails. My profile is full, I think my picture is cute, so that's a good jumping off point. I signed up last night and have received two winks. One from someone I'm not really interested in (no, thanks) and one from a 37-year-old (double no, thanks). I've winked at several people. A few minutes ago I received a reply e-mail from one particular gentleman that said, "Flattered by the wink but I am looking for a taller lady." I kid not. I am of average height and while I realize that some men are very, very tall, I don't consider myself freakishly small. Thus my first thought...

"Freak."

That thought was then followed by a feeling of rejection, because let's face it, sensitive people feel rejected no matter what the situation is and then frustration of the "What does it take to find a freakin' boyfriend?" variety. Then I considered the following...

He doesn't want someone who is 5'6" and I don't want a Republican. We all have our preferences.
At least this way I know there are guys out there who will not respond because they don't like my height, or my curly hair, or the fact that I love burritos and hate sushi (it isn't food!) Point being that Carrie Bradshaw was once again right in that episode where she frantically searched the apartment of the guy she had just met in order to find something freakish about him and when he walked in on her clawing at what turned out to be a box full of his Boy Scout badges with a letter opener like someone positively certifiable she found the moral of the story: We are all freaks.

I just need to find someone with whom I can let my freak flag fly. As long as he's over 5'9", of course.

uhhh maybe not

How did my "yes" project go this weekend?

Uhhh, it is inconclusive.

I had definitely failed in a way by 9 pm on Friday night, though I am going to maintain that this particular instance falls under the discretion of emotional/mental reason. We went to dinner at a tapas restaurant I was seated across from a girl I had met briefly once before. In a corner full of chatting, chatty chicas the topic of men tends to come up. That's when this girl suggested she set me up with a co-worker of hers. Smart, successful, nice...40ish.

I didn't say "yes."

Fail!

Oh well. The rest of the night went fine. We went to a fun bar for drinks and then out dancing after. I was dancing with this guy and my roommate noticed he had a ring on. I think resulting conversation went something like this:

Me - You're married?!
Him - blurg blug blah (Turns out he's drunk. Lovely.)
Me - Where's your wife?
Him - pointing and more drunken words
Me - Why are you dancing with me? Don't dance with me, go dance with your wife!!
Him - OK, cool. (Walks away)
Me to roommate - OK, let's go home.

Disgusting.

Last night was another birthday celebration for the sister and fiancee of my old roommate. But I was tired and not so much feeling like inserting myself into conversations so I bowed out a bit early and went and got a slice for a late night dinner. Other than the 40 yr old there was really not an instance for me to say "yes" to much this weekend. Want to go for a walk in the park after brunch? Yes. Can you come a half an hour earlier to babysit my kid? Yes. We should plan a party for the anniversary of the day you moved to New York. Yes! OK, maybe that last one is pretty cool.

I've decided to extend my project into this week. Results are pending.

Yes.

My good friend "K" is throwing herself a birthday bash tonight.

It will consist of dinner, drinks, and dancing. I'm excited about the dancing. I wanted to do this for my bday a couple of weeks ago but it didn't pan out. Much planning and preparation has gone into this event on her end. For me, preparation will consist of stopping by Duane Reade to get a card (or maybe even Papyrus if I am feeling extra fancy and rich!) and then maybe getting her a Crumbs cupcake or something. She went all out for my birthday (German chocolate cake from Magnolia, a beautiful scarf from Anthropologie, a fancy card) so I am feeling a little guilty that I'm not shopping for a gift. I told her not to get me something though... She did buy herself a new dress for tonight. Me, I'm wearing something "new" (only worn once) I got at H&M a few weeks ago. After work I plan to go home, shower, put on the dress and a bit of make up and voila! I'm done.

I think K is stressing a bit about tonight, wanting it to go off without a hitch, wanting it to be spectacular and romantic, the way I felt about my own day a few weeks ago. It is just reminding me how nice it is to hitch your wagon to someone else's star sometimes. To get all into someone else's big day where the expectations have little to do with you. It is nice to be recognized and celebrated but it will also be nice to go with the flow tonight and hope that fun is had by all.

Tudor City Girl, whose blog is a new fave of mine, is adopting the "yes" mentality. And I've decided to join. For this weekend I will say "yes" to things - within financial, emotional and mental reason. We'll see how it goes!

Happy Friday!

karma and chemistry - an online walk through dating blogs and my musings therein

I've been doing a bit of poking around online and now it is time for a confession... I read dating blogs. Cheesy ones.

I've occassionally been known enjoy the blogs at glamour.com. I maintain that I am so not a Cosmo mag kind of girl (not that there is anything wrong with those who are!) but interestingly enough I have more patience for the new Dan Brown book than I do for articles about footwear. But I digress... A few things I've come across this morning have me feeling a bit chatty.

Karma. Specifically, relationship or love karma. I've said here before I generally subscribe religion of the golden rule and don't talk with your mouth full but I do wonder about karma. In it its simplest form it means if you do crappy things it will come back to haunt you if you do nice things (like smile and chat with the overworked Subway employee then he will give you a larger drink for no charge. Yes, this happened last night and sadly, it made my day. Score!) Since we all know enough about the world, science, and life to know that what comes around goes around, I'd say this is fairly accurate. So maybe I'm feeling just a bit like my relationship karma has been drastically affected by choices I've made in the past - or rather any perceived drought might be due to the fact that I once had an abundance of positive karma that I was not in any sort of place to recognize, was too young and baggage-ridden to return, and really did not handle properly. So when I ran across this cute little post about matchmaking with friends it got me thinking... not just about how much I love Fiddler on the Roof or how I really wish I could score myself a good matchmaker right now (if anyone knows of any cute 20-something single males in the tri-state area who might like a bookish girls who love flip flops let me know!) but how I really would like to build up my good karma. What comes around goes around right? I need it to come around my way!

As if all of that wasn't enough through the powers of a mouse click I then came across this post about romantic chemistry and lack-thereof. In my dating escapades the most important thing I have learned is that there seriously is no discounting chemistry. While a guy might look great on paper, if the spark isnt' there, it fizzles quickly. I've dated a couple of guys with whom I stuck around simply waiting on said spark. No need to elaborate on those endings. But this girl's "old" post about her husband (who, by the way is a cutie!) has me thinking I might surprise myself. She sounds just like me (preference wise) and if I end up with someone like her hubby I don't see how that can be a bad thing at all!

Karma. Chemistry. It is all a crap-shoot right? My parents have been married for 33 yrs. They met when they were a few years younger than I am. How in the hell did that happen?

PS - This one is fun, too. I have to say that my biggest pet peeves are currently the "your" "you're" grammar fiasco and macho guys who work in publishing who are obviously overcompensating for the fact that they work in a female-dominated industry.

Emily Post must be rolling in her grave...

A fellow blogger recently posted something quite insightful that I thought I'd share. Bravo Natalie! Unless you live under a cultural rock you know what Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards. I didn't even watch and I still know. I must echo my fellow blogger ... Manners, people? Where are they?

Emily Post may agree with me when I venture to say that manners have never really been the "in" thing or the "cool" thing. They generally don't fold well into publicity. After all, bad press is often the better press. But what do I know? I say "thank you" to the bus driver and "excuse me" to scaffolding poles. Manners have become instinctual for me. But beyond just minding your "p's & q's" how hard is it to suppress the urge to make an ass out of yourself on television and ruin a 19-yr-old girl's night? I'm not a huge fan of Taylor Swift myself but who cares? It was her turn to talk. Someone needs to go back to Kindergarten. And it isn't like he was interrupting to say something effective or important. Honestly, I think the haircut and the comments on his own blog say it all. Stay classy, Kanye.

Last night I attended my first book launch party in the city. It was for a book published by another company but one of my good friends works there so she invited me. The party itself was a hit: a closed guest list, a cool locale, themed cocktails. I didn't end up staying long because my friend wasn't feeling well and I wasn't feeling too social but in the time I was there I noticed just how many other folks I knew... Proof positive that this industry can be quite incestuous. Of the people I knew there were a few with whom I used to socialize but, for some unknown reason I was quietly but efficiently nudged out of their circle. OK, I'm a big girl, I can take a hint. In the name of manners I socialized with my colleagues last night. It was the right thing to do. A few minutes before I left, the author of the book we were celebrating got up at the mic to give acknowledgments and address her guests... Then someone shouted obnoxiously in the middle of her speech. Really? That's appropriate? What's worse, I know this person. This person is a member of the former social circle. Not really minding my ousted status anymore, I put my head down and a few minutes exited onto the city streets and headed for my subway.

Seriously, people. Manners.

the shy and silent types

So the date...

happened on Sat night. The usual - dinner and then a drink. My friends always know when it is a kiss of death because I start the recap with "He's nice." I did have a good time with him but there was no real spark between us. I figured it might take a bit and he is a great guy so I did want to go out with him, was nervous but was looking forward to it. I expected more. You know, progress. On paper he's great. Seems driven, has an interesting job that he really loves, seems really interested in me, etc. etc. but he is super shy. It's cute but when you're fairly shy yourself (as I am) you want someone to draw you out. Someone who can take cues and ahem hints. Nona that happened. We had a nice dinner, a nice walk, a nice convo but that was it. It was "nice". Like "oh-what-a-good-friend" nice, not "can't-wait-to-see-him-again" nice. The thing is because we are so similar, I think things are going to stay that way. Bummer.

And then there's the guy I met a couple of weekends ago. I've had a couple of conversations with him - both via phone and text message. During the last one he said he was out of town this weekend but we should "hang out sometime." I said, "Yes, we should." The verdict is still out on this one but so far, silence...

Dating is fun folks... Sure beats my relationship with my DVR though.

almost fall, y'all

Even though Fall technically doesn't begin until the 22nd, there is a definite air of mourning as the city enters it's last summer hoorah. My office building is nearly empty today. There are children running around on various floors and my boss held an impromptu cocktail hour earlier today outside her office. I'm hoping to celebrate by going to Coney Island (which might prove that I am really crazy), hitting the park to read and (hopefully) write a bit, and go on a date on Saturday night with a very nice guy I met last week. At least I think it is a date... Hmm.

I love Fall. I love the chill in the air, the leaves, the colors, the sweaters, the sharpened pencils and books. It's the nerd in me, I tell you. I really need to set some goals for myself this Fall so, in a mostly abridged version, here is what I have so far:

1. Spearhead a project at work - We have informal reviews coming up and though I've taken on a lot of tasks it is hard for me to claim something as my own.

2. Begin writing - I'm not really sure how to start but I'd like to start writing fiction. I used to jot things down all the time. I had spiral notebooks I'd write everything from poems, to lists of stupid things, to little stories and letters in. Lately it has been hard for me to get motivated. I have characters in my head. I know I just need to start writing but I avoid it because it is such a solitary activity and since I moved here it has been all about being social and meeting people.

Goals anyone?