Watch this space. Watch this face.

OK friends... Here goes.

I had a lightbulb moment yesterday during which I decided I need to take control of all my whines and worries, the complaints and the dissatisfaction. I need to make some changes happen. So, after a rough couple of weeks, I did what any self-respecting perfectionist would do to pull herself up by her boot straps. I put on my big girl panties and made a list.

Here is my lemonade:

1. Write.

I'm going to start writing. Not sure in what capacity but since I was an itty bitty girl, I've always written. There are boxes in my attic full of notebooks brimming with pre-adolescent (and some adolescent! precociousness). It is time I face my fears, tell life to shove off for a bit, and bury my nose in my Mac.

2. Blog Makeover

In an attempt to really bring writing to the forefront in my life, I want to makeover this blog. I want to establish myself on this free little space that probably 10 people read, start talking about more than just what I did last weekend, put in some real creativity and own it. That's not to say there still won't be some fun and games. I'm also look for a little bling so if anyone is good at that fancy schmancy design stuff, let me know!

Who knows how much of this stuff will take but I'm going to give it a shot.

lemonade please

I have had a hell of a few weeks.

London was amazing but I returned to bad news, embarrassment, and illness.

Yes, the pity party continues today.

I am in need of lemonade, stat, for all my lemons.

I'm worried work will be upset I've missed so much, am contemplating going to an ENT because this is the 2nd time in 5 mos I've had strep, and am climbing the walls thinking about all the negative Nelly things that always take center stage when one feels yucky.

Plus I miss my Mama.

What is your lemonade? What do you do to pull yourself back into the swing of things?

PS - The picture is the lemonade I had whilst in London. It had three parts! I guess making lemonade is complicated.

It's my sickness and I'll whine if I want to

Remember this post?

Well, today was pity party for 1, part duex.

I have strep.

Again.

This really snuck up on me but if you consider the change in body clock that went along with the 5 hr time difference in London, the gross airplane air, the fact that I hang out with carrier monkeys (I mean precious kiddos) a lot and the fact that I didn't get much sleep at all this weekend, this shouldn't be surprising.

Am SO over it, regardless. I'm being a huge baby and I do. not. care.

saturday night letters

Dear M,

Mixing drinks is not smart. Don't do it again.

Love, Your Body

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Dear TimeWarner Cable,

Your boxes suck! I went away for a week and now my menu says "data unavailable" and my DVR is full. Trust me, as the box is only a few weeks old, it is not new. I realize this means I'm going to have to take the box downtown again and trade it in for a new one. I blame you entirely for this and demand money off my bill. And free Showtime so I can watch the Tudors.

Insincerely, Disgruntled Customer

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Dear PIX11 TV,

Thank you for airing one of my favoritest, cheesiest movies: You've Got Mail on this lazy Saturday night. It combines two of my favorite things: books and NYC and I heart the soundtrack.

With love from this Couch Potato

----------------------

Dear Guy I Met Last Night,

I liked you but I don't know your last name and we got separated before any info could be exchanged. But you could find me on Facebook if you really wanted to...

Hint, Hint - The Girl with Really Curly Hair

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Dear Lea Michele,

I want your voice.

Love, A New "Gleek"

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Dear Readers,

I'm getting on the London posts. I have no energy for one tonight.

xo, M

the rosy red cheeks of the little children...

OK, MCW and Ms. M, you were right.

I was in...

LONDON!

And it was amazing. 6 1/2 years ago I took my first steps away from home and ended up going to another country. It was my first time out of the country and, in many ways, the first time I realized I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to.

I took over 300 photos over 6 days. I walked almost every street, every borough, and acquired a pretty gnarly blister on my right baby toe. I was reminded what it is like to feel empowered, inspired and excited. And I'll be posting about it over the next few days so that any time I need reminding, I can read and remember.

Stay tuned!

que sera sera

Hello everyone!

Did ya miss me?

I've been away on my international vacation.

Before I play a little game to reveal where I went (foreshadowing picture posts to come) I guess I will talk about my day. It has been a few years since my last trip abroad and what I'd forgotten was the sense of purpose, perspective, and power doing something like that, pretty much alone, gives me. So I returned from my trip on a bit of a high, smiled through the laundry and grocery shopping drudgery that were today's "jet lag day" tasks and pretty much feel a sense of zen and hope about everything. I had an amazing time and while getting back to the grid and boredom that can be everyday life, this morning a feeling of calm came over this over-scheduled, entirely-entirely-too-stressed, perfection-seeking, can't-live-in-the-moment girl.

Then I got some bad news. I can't elaborate (once again) on the details but something I thought was firmly in my grasp slipped through my fingers. Though I saw it coming, it still stings, though I'm not taking it as bad as I thought I would. Cliches keep popping in my head: "Que sera sera." "When God closes a door He opens a window." "Everything happens for a reason." I'm trying not to take this personally. It is not a reflection of my person or my character. Instead I look forward and wonder what comes next.

Now... in an attempt to ride the high of my post-vacation bliss, I'm going to let you guess where I was. a boy, a girl and a pug, you can't guess because you already know.

Clue #1: It is the fastest growing European city. Yes, I said European. Should narrow it down.

Clue #2: It has hosted the Olympic games twice and will again soon.

Clue #3: Several areas of this city have the same name as various areas of Manhattan.

Please humor me and guess!

One fine day... you're gonna want me for your girl.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I am feeling better tonight but still on edge about some things that, because of the public nature of this blog, I can't go into. But I will say that I need to get some patience stat as I am waiting to hear from someone important. I really don't mean to sound dramatic but that's as far into it as I can get at this point.

I can't help feeling that I will be disappointed. That the things I want won't come my way. I find it funny that I started my week thinking that something great was going to happen. That I would have something to get excited about. I realize that the week is not yet over but I'm ending my Friday feeling very defeated.

I decided to channel all my nervous energy into redoing my bedroom. I figure this is something that will help bring about positive change and renewal. I started the other day by going to Bed, Bath and Beyond and purchasing a frame for a poster print I bought about a year ago but never framed and hung and a big storage bin for some of my winter clothes. I also bought a shoe rack for the disorganized shoe mound in my closet. Next, when I get back from vacation, will be the purchase of the way-too-expensive-but-oh-so-cathartic quilt and sham set. After that, maybe a chair and a bookcase, a rug, and some other fun things.

Maybe some major reorganization is necessary right now. Today at work I had had enough with my messy inbox so I cleared and organized the entire thing. I'm hoping some of that will translate to my head and my frayed nerves.

Now I think I'm off to organize my itinerary for my vacation. Onward! It will be OK. No matter what happens.

There's no crying in baseball.

I did the unthinkable at work today.

Something every woman dreads and no woman wants to do.

I cried.

Let's backtrack a bit here. I'm a pretty sensitive person. And though I control my ducts better than I did in my hormonal teens, intense emotions make me tear up. Sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, exhaustion. All of it. Today it was a bit of everything. A co-worker told me something that worried me about the way some other colleagues might be viewing me and my performance as of late. Something that struck a chord. So I cried. And she hugged me. And gave me a Kleenex. Told me to sit down. I poured out bits of my soul in slowish drips. This girl is my friend but she is still someone with whom I work. I felt like I was being unprofessional as I wiped snot from my nose and confided in this sweet and understanding person.

When all was said (well, most of it) I cleaned up my desk and headed for the elevator. But as I sit here tonight thinking about it I am mortified. Upset that I was that transparent, that I let my insides show on the outside (even behind closed doors) and that, as an employee who has her career to think about I even have to deal with the "I was a crybaby at work because I'm a woman" type thing. Ugh.

Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.

ocho

MCW tagged me so here I go!

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1. Grey's Anatomy (mostly out of loyalty)

2. Private Practice

3. The Office

4. Parenthood

5. Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (don't judge)

6. The Real Housewives of New York City

7. Glee

8. Brothers & Sisters

Wow, my TV habits make me kind of sad.

8 Favorite Places to Eat and Drink

1. our down-the-street diner

2. Good Enough to Eat

3. Chop't

4. Blockheads

5. Cilantro

6. Regional

7. Eatery

8. Angelo's Pizza

All of those are eating places. You can see where my priorities are. In terms of favorite bars, I'm kind of all over the place.

8 Things I Look Forward To

1. International vacations

2. Second dates with guys I like

3. Falling in love

4. Dance class

5. Dinner dates with good friends

6. Seeing my family

7. Fitting into my old jeans

8. Receiving good news

8 Things That Happened To Me Yesterday

1. I woke up in a good mood.

2. I went all the way downtown for my doctor's appointment during lunch to find that it had been cancelled.

3. I wandered around Whole Foods then left without fully completing my shopping because it was too crowded.

4. I ate cereal for dinner.

5. I chatted with my roommate and called my folks.

6. I watched the premiere of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

7. I felt good about myself and my life.

8. I had a normally boring but still decent day.

8 Things I Love About Winter

1. The first couple of snows

2. Christmas

3. Comfy sweaters

4. Apple cider

5. The good smell of chill in the air

6. Fun scarves

7. Snuggling under the covers.

8. I really don't like winter.

8 Things on My Wish List

1. A quilt from West Elm

2. A chair for my room

3. A new bookcase

4. An I-phone

5. A dog

6. for my jeans to fit again

7. my own apartment

8. peace of mind

8 Things I'm Passionate About

1. books

2. volunteering

3. family

4. being a good friend

5. being a kind person

6. my career

7. living in NY

8. being single rather than settling for someone who isn't for me

8 Words or Phrases I Use Often

1. essentially

2. fo sho

3. holy ______ batman

4. oy

5. ick factor

6. aye dios mio

7. oops

8. rut roh (trying to stop this... haha)

8 Things I Have Learned From the Past

1. I'm a survivor and a strong person.

2. Sensitive people are often the most empathetic

3. I'd rather be a kind person than a powerful one

4. Each friend plays a different part in your life

5. Things will change and change will be hard but change is good

6. My parents were right. But so was I.

7. Chemistry is inexplicable and is not guaranteed to happen with the cutest guy or the smartest one.

8. Forgive the person you were at sixteen. She didn't know any better.

8 Places I Would Like to Visit/See

1. Santorini

2. Vermont

3. South Africa

4. Egypt

5. Ireland

6. Rome, Florence, Tuscany

7. Hawai'i

8. Switzerland

8 Things I Currently Want/Need

1. new bedding

2. a drink of water

3. new summer clothes

4. eye make up remover

5. a hug

6. some ibuprofen for my headache

7. travel size toiletrees for my trip

8. to take a shower

miscellaneous ten

I know, I know. I haven't posted in forever. I have kind of been all over the place and when I've started posts recently, I get distracted, lose interest and abandon them. So in an attempt to reign in my thoughts, I give you the list:

1. On Saturday night my friend Anne* called asking me to turn on the news and tell her why so many streets were evacuated in Times Square. She and her boyfriend were attending a play with his parents and had parked on 45th. This morning authorities arrested a man and is they believe responsible for the smoking car that could have been a bombing. Scary stuff. I avoid Times Sq. like the plague but my dance studio is over there so I am usually there about once a week.

2. I wasn't there last week though because I tripped over an uneven piece of sidewalk and oh-so-gracefully fell on Columbus Ave. Lovely. So I had to bail on a party on Friday night and ditched my Brooklyn plans on Saturday in favor of my bed, a 20-mins on and 20-mins off icing schedule and watched TV alllll day.

3. I saw The Back-up Plan on Sunday with my roommate. Skip it.

4. In an attempt to distract myself from certain things in life I am going to revamp my bedroom. Tonight I bought a plastic bin for under the bed storage, a picture frame and a shoe organizer for my closet. Woah.

5. I really, really want this quilt I saw at West Elm today. It is so pretty but so expensive. I just might bite the bullet and treat myself to it if I can't find anything else I want because I'm so picky when it comes to everything.

6. I leave next week for my international trip! When I return I will let you know where I went. :)

7. My best friend mailed me brownies last week because I kept telling her I wanted them. I guess that's the key to receiving great surprises from your friends. Bug them until they can't stand it anymore and mail you things just to get you to shut up.

8. I went on a "diet" two weeks ago. I've had two burgers, fries, not been super faithful with a key factor in the diet (quitting soda), and got sick of eating salads sometime over the weekend. But I have cut down on my cheese, discovered a new love for edamame, and am not totally blowing it. Baby steps.

9. TBS's The Office marathon on Tuesdays is amazing.

10. I woke up yesterday morning thinking that something really great is going to happen this week. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Tomorrow the week is half way over.