stream of consciousness

More details...

The MRI came back for my knee and I do NOT have a torn meniscus which is good. I was having horrible thoughts of navigating NYC on crutches in the snow. (OK, my NYCers are now asking themselves "What snow?" but you get the gist of it.) I have tendonitis/something else syndrome so I start physical therapy on Wednesday. I'm hoping that I'll get back in tip top shape and get back to the gym soon.

Work has calmed down some. Some of the winds have shifted and I am calmer at the end of the day so I am happy about that and just trying to focus on being the best I can at my job.

I might have a date. We haven't scheduled anything yet and I really, honestly, expect nothing but it is good for me to feel like I am moving on and getting over the horrible feelings I've had since last Fall. It is still hard for me because I really thought this guy and I were so right together but I have no control over anyone else's feelings or actions but my own and I'm just trying to focus on positivity, being openminded, and enjoying life in the moment (which I struggle with, interestingly enough.)

I read this amazing book last week called Q.U.I.E.T by Sus.an C.ai.n. Sorry for the periods. I just don't really want my silly blog to pop up on any more author radars right now. The book takes a look at what it is to be an introvert in a "world that can't stop talking" and it is really, really interesting. I am a classic introvert (have been since I was very small) so to have my thoughts and feelings laid out in front of me with a focus on the positive was so empowering. I highly recommend this book (regardless of whether you consider yourself an introvert but especially if you do). It will change the way you see yourself.

Other than that I've been busy working and babysitting to earn money for my big solo trip this Spring. My little point-and-shoot camera has also finally gone kaput on me so I'm in the process of pricing out a new one. I have to get one before the trip (imagine going on the trip of a lifetime with no camera! Never! For this girl anyway...) and I'm trying to decide how "all out" I want to go. I really want a DSLR but they are very expensive and since I'm already putting down a good chunk on the trip itself, I am very hesitant to make another large purchase. That said, I've found one that isn't too bad, price wise, has good reviews online and would allow me to really start getting more into photography. If I decide to buy another point-and-shoot I'm going to go for the brand I already have (it lasted me a while) and it won't be too expensive. It just seems a shame not to get the better option and have better quality photos of my travels, if I can swing it.... First world problems, right?

I've had Adele in my head ever since the Grammy's last night. Love her to pieces. She seems like someone I could really hang out with and 21 basically got me through the last year (and this year so far) with "Someone Like You" and "Rolling in the Deep" and "Set Fire to the Rain"I love how we all become so attached to music and lyrics, as if they are written about us and our lives. I know that's why some people get really attached to the artists too. Case and point, Whitney Houston. I'm shocked I don't have her songs in my head today (though I did watch the video for "I Will Always Love You" online last night for the heck of it.)

School is progressing. I'm in the process of applying to a couple and I will be glad when that part is over and the waiting can begin. Valentine's Day is tomorrow (as if you didn't already know!) and while I think the day is pretty universally hard for every single girl (no matter what she says) it is what it is and I will be giving a lovely couple a chance to have dinner together while their child sleeps and I work on their couch. Karma. Maybe she'll smile on me this year.

Have a great week everyone.

details without much detail

I have been MIA for quite a while.

It seems I just don't know what to write any more that isn't too negative, too personal, too much.

Without going in to too much detail, here is what is going on:

Work is rough. Every day I struggle with the fact that I wanted the job I have. I sought it out. I was so excited about it. I know so many people have things about their work life they do not love. I'm there, in spades, right now. My goal is to try to identify one thing per day that I really like about my job--to help me beat down the negativity and stress. Today it was that I spoke to two authors with complete ease on the phone. A year ago, I would have been a huge bundle of nerves. Authors are our industry's rockstars. Author care is an art form, really. Today I had a meeting right in between the calls and was juggling a last minute project that I HAD to get done in about 10 minutes. I am really proud of myself for how good I have gotten at a very important aspect of my job. In this regard, I have grown a lot and that's good.

I have been having issues with my right knee. Long story short, I may have a torn meniscus. In the past couple of days I have grown quite miserable about it. I'm O-V-E-R it. Right now I'm just waiting for MRI results that will tell me whether it is a torn meniscus and surgery is necessary. This is only beginning.

In an attempt to give myself a reprieve, something to look forward to (and focus on) and a way to broaden my horizons, I have booked a SOLO vacation to a foreign destination. I am SO, SO excited. Seriously, this saves me many a day.

I'm looking in to going back to school.

I have yet to go on a date since my late fall heartbreak. I've never been so heartbroken and I'm in a good place with it right now but I'm tired. I'm not opposed to a date though. I will have to test the waters eventually...

My new year's resolution to approach life from a "place of yes" (sorry, didn't mean to quote Bethenny Frankel) is going well. I've got a fun day trip out of NYC planned for this weekend. It costs a bit more than I'd normally spend (and would thus say "no" to it) but it won't break the bank and I think it will be fun.

What's new with you?

twenty eleven into twenty twelve

It's been a while again...

But it is the end of the year and, like every year and everyone, I am in a reflective mood.

I'm really excited for 2012. I plan on doing some amazing things including:

Taking a big trip (hopefully abroad)

Applying to go back to school part time

Approaching life from a "yes" perspective. I read somewhere that a great way to meet people in this crazy city is to say "yes" to everything. So unless it is financially, physically, or emotionally a horrible, horrible idea, I plan to do just that.

2011 was a good year for me. I overcame many obstacles. It was the first year I felt truly comfortable in my New York skin. I made strides professionally by expanding my skill set and confidence. I met someone I really enjoyed spending time with and felt I could fall for. I've always wanted that. And even though he didn't share the same feelings, it was a wonderful thing and I'm happy we spent the time together. I also realized that I really do want to pursue more education after several years of waffling and trying to figure it out. I'm really excited about it.

I knew 2011 would be good and it was. I'm looking forward to an even better 2012 and will go out and celebrate with friends tonight.

Happy New Year!

sunday night "lightbulb moment"

Every once in a while I struggle with the loneliness that comes with living in this city of millions.

It seems counter-intuitive, as there are constantly people around and there are so many things to do and see on any given day. But the culture here can be isolating. The city is filled with Type A people who work too much, socialize in a very structured way, don't often talk to one another, and go about their lives just as I do. I realize this is a very huge generalization. One thing I love the most about this city is that there are so many different kinds of people. I always say there is at least one out there that walks, talks, dresses, and thinks like me.

It has been four years for me and some days I still feel like I'm struggling through year one. I've met some wonderful people, have made great strides, and have learned a lot about myself. But I often feel like there is much missing.

Today was a boring day. I wasn't feeling 100% this morning and was really tired all day so I decided to go with it and be lazy. I was looking around the internet tonight and thinking about how bored I was. My solution to boredom is usually to plan the hell out of the coming days and weeks. (Good and bad, I suppose.) I decided to Google "meeting people NYC." One link was a forum in which people discussed how hard it is here socially.

I don't know why but this made me feel so much better. It acted as sort of a lightbulb moment for me. I know I'm not the first one to move here, having not known anyone and struggle with putting down roots, meeting "forever friends" and dealing with dating. Logically this has always made sense to me. But I am extremely hard on myself and expect a lot from myself. Especially after four years. Reading the thoughts of strangers (written even before I arrived on the East Coast even) made me realize that my struggles and feelings of not "succeeding" where others have are completely typical and normal.

This seems so silly, especially as I sit here typing it out, but it is so important for me. Hopefully it will help me find a bit of peace in the paths I've walked down and find some patience as I move forward and undoubtedly encounter more difficulty--and more happiness.

giving thanks for the blues

I'm feeling blue.

Something exciting, happy, and hopeful ended abruptly and I've been feeling cheated and miserable and feeling very sorry for myself--a lesson that nothing is certain in life and life moves on.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I miss my family. I wish I were home with them, making food with my mom, listening to my crazy dog bark and whine to come in the house, watching documentaries with my dad, going to the movies with my bro, and enjoying my loved ones. I will be here in New York instead, headed to the home of a lovely friend who is gracious enough to take me in on the day of thanks.

And today I am thinking about what it means to be thankful and give thanks, even when we are angry, searching, feeling alone.

I am so very greatful for the things I have--the spirit to want more and the drive to seek it out. The feeling of discontent because I know that life is rich and powerful, that perspective is essential, and that happiness is earned not handed out.

Tomorrow will likely be a more difficult holiday for me. I recognize this and accept it but I refuse to stick in it. I will gather my feelings and mine them for what they can produce--thoughtfulness, introspection, and ultimately humility.

I am well. I am fed. I am loved. I am able to do so much.

a night with anais nin

I love quotes. They inspire and motivate me. Some of my favorites are cynical (anything by Dorothy Parker), some are literary, but all keep me going because they speak to me. They put into words what I have trouble saying in that moment.

Tonight I'm stuck on Anais Nin. Here is my night. . .

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

I looked with chameleon eyes upon the changing face of the world, looked with anonymous vision upon my uncompleted self.