drive by pondering

I honestly had to look at the blog before I posted this to remind myself when I blogged last. It has been well over a month. I feel I've run out of blogging steam.

Yet tonight I felt compelled to write. Not sure why. I'm sitting here in a hotel in another city, watching Friends on Nick at Nite, and thinking about my life. Because all of one's pondering and contemplating should take place during a stressful business trip during the few spare moments one has.

That makes complete sense.

I went to Ireland at the beginning of the month. Solo. Decided I was tired of waiting for friends to have the time or money, that I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I wanted something amazing to look forward to--something out of the ordinary. I had an absolutely amazing time. I chatted up locals in bars, hung out with more Aussies than I'd ever previously met, enjoyed "trad music" and hilarious storytelling, met a cute/shy Irish guy in an American themed club and didn't understand half of what he said, biked a picturesque island, learned the history of a beautiful country, and so much more.

Now I'm back in reality.

The trip (like most experiences in life) changed things for me. I am thinking about what can be in a strong and positive way, instead of feeling bogged down in the competition, the concrete jungle, the way I think things should be based on the rat race. Options, people. I guess that's what it is about, if I put it simply.

I should hear soon about school and going back part-time in the Fall. Regardless of the outcome, another window has opened. For now I'll wake up in the morning, run around this city, go back to the office, and do it all over again. It's not that I am miserable. I enjoy my job most days lately and my life is full of opportunities and blessings.

It's just about seeing the forest through the trees.

You know, all those trees in the city.

a study in single behavior

Those of you who are Sex and the City fans. . . remember the one where the girls sit around and talk about their "single person" behavior? Miranda liked to watch infomercials and lotion her hands or something, Charlotte liked to stare at her pores, Carrie ate saltines with jelly on them in the kitchen while reading a magazine.

I can't decide if it is sad that I remember this or impressive.

Anyway. . .

Today I was thinking about my "single person" behaviors. For a while I didn't really think I had any. I've always lived with someone. These days it happens to be three other girls. Our lives move around and sometimes intersect but for the most part we live very singly. Which is why Ido have single person behavior. Plus I have never shared my time and space with a guy so my habits are well worn in. Here are some:

1. I eat cereal for dinner about twice a week. Or I eat it for dessert. I always eat it out of a mug. My old roommate thought this was weird.

2. The other 5 nights I eat a variation of pasta with something, turkey meatballs, veggies, fruit and yogurt. I get most of my protein and such from eating out. Which I also do once or twice a week.

3. I watch the Today Show while I get dressed in the morning. If I hit "Uncle Willie" I'm runningvery late.

4. I have a pillow top mattress (a side effect from sleeping on a Coleman air mattress for my first month in NY -- I bought the softest, most fluffy bed I could find.) Something I kind of regret. You can tell exactly where I sleep. Every night I try to "wear in" a new part of the bed but gravity always finds me in the same place. Plus, unless I'm really tired, the difference in the mattress bugs me.

5. I watch Teen Mom 2, some of the Real Housewives, and other crappy reality TV shows constantly. By watch I mean I usually have them in the background. My new thing, if I'm home, is to sit on the couch, surf the net, and "watch" Beverly Hills 90210 and Gilmore Girls on SOAP network on Saturdays/Sundays.

6. I sleep with everything but the kitchen sink on my bed. My room is small and my bed takes up a large part of it. I've gotten better about this but I go to sleep with my keys, my mail, my laptop, the remote, books, kleenex boxes, etc. on my bed. Not all at once, of course, but usually if I can't find my keys in the morning it is because they are underneath the extra blanket at the foot of the bed.

7. I sleep with one pillow (sometimes two) under my head and then one on each side of me.

8. OK, this isn't necessarily "single person behavior" but I was thinking about it today. I always give a dollar or some coins to buskers on the subway who make me smile. Especially if I've had a hard day. I dunno, I guess I kind of believe in karma.

9. I stop to pet dogs and smile at babies. I tone it down a lot when I'm with other people, especially guys because I don't want to send them running for hills just because they interpret that as MUST HAVE BABY NOW. MUST BUILD NEST NOW. As I always say, for the right guy and at the right time, I'll let the crazy out a bit more.

10. I take Sunday afternoon naps, go for random walks with Pandora playing in my ears, book solo trips to foreign countries, and have gone on dates with a cowboy, a gin maker, and a total heartbreaker. A couple in fact.

Someday I will find someone completely content with eating cereal out of a mug for dinner right along with me. Until then. . .

shake it out

This song is almost spiritual for me.

I can't stop listening to it.

stream of consciousness

More details...

The MRI came back for my knee and I do NOT have a torn meniscus which is good. I was having horrible thoughts of navigating NYC on crutches in the snow. (OK, my NYCers are now asking themselves "What snow?" but you get the gist of it.) I have tendonitis/something else syndrome so I start physical therapy on Wednesday. I'm hoping that I'll get back in tip top shape and get back to the gym soon.

Work has calmed down some. Some of the winds have shifted and I am calmer at the end of the day so I am happy about that and just trying to focus on being the best I can at my job.

I might have a date. We haven't scheduled anything yet and I really, honestly, expect nothing but it is good for me to feel like I am moving on and getting over the horrible feelings I've had since last Fall. It is still hard for me because I really thought this guy and I were so right together but I have no control over anyone else's feelings or actions but my own and I'm just trying to focus on positivity, being openminded, and enjoying life in the moment (which I struggle with, interestingly enough.)

I read this amazing book last week called Q.U.I.E.T by Sus.an C.ai.n. Sorry for the periods. I just don't really want my silly blog to pop up on any more author radars right now. The book takes a look at what it is to be an introvert in a "world that can't stop talking" and it is really, really interesting. I am a classic introvert (have been since I was very small) so to have my thoughts and feelings laid out in front of me with a focus on the positive was so empowering. I highly recommend this book (regardless of whether you consider yourself an introvert but especially if you do). It will change the way you see yourself.

Other than that I've been busy working and babysitting to earn money for my big solo trip this Spring. My little point-and-shoot camera has also finally gone kaput on me so I'm in the process of pricing out a new one. I have to get one before the trip (imagine going on the trip of a lifetime with no camera! Never! For this girl anyway...) and I'm trying to decide how "all out" I want to go. I really want a DSLR but they are very expensive and since I'm already putting down a good chunk on the trip itself, I am very hesitant to make another large purchase. That said, I've found one that isn't too bad, price wise, has good reviews online and would allow me to really start getting more into photography. If I decide to buy another point-and-shoot I'm going to go for the brand I already have (it lasted me a while) and it won't be too expensive. It just seems a shame not to get the better option and have better quality photos of my travels, if I can swing it.... First world problems, right?

I've had Adele in my head ever since the Grammy's last night. Love her to pieces. She seems like someone I could really hang out with and 21 basically got me through the last year (and this year so far) with "Someone Like You" and "Rolling in the Deep" and "Set Fire to the Rain"I love how we all become so attached to music and lyrics, as if they are written about us and our lives. I know that's why some people get really attached to the artists too. Case and point, Whitney Houston. I'm shocked I don't have her songs in my head today (though I did watch the video for "I Will Always Love You" online last night for the heck of it.)

School is progressing. I'm in the process of applying to a couple and I will be glad when that part is over and the waiting can begin. Valentine's Day is tomorrow (as if you didn't already know!) and while I think the day is pretty universally hard for every single girl (no matter what she says) it is what it is and I will be giving a lovely couple a chance to have dinner together while their child sleeps and I work on their couch. Karma. Maybe she'll smile on me this year.

Have a great week everyone.

details without much detail

I have been MIA for quite a while.

It seems I just don't know what to write any more that isn't too negative, too personal, too much.

Without going in to too much detail, here is what is going on:

Work is rough. Every day I struggle with the fact that I wanted the job I have. I sought it out. I was so excited about it. I know so many people have things about their work life they do not love. I'm there, in spades, right now. My goal is to try to identify one thing per day that I really like about my job--to help me beat down the negativity and stress. Today it was that I spoke to two authors with complete ease on the phone. A year ago, I would have been a huge bundle of nerves. Authors are our industry's rockstars. Author care is an art form, really. Today I had a meeting right in between the calls and was juggling a last minute project that I HAD to get done in about 10 minutes. I am really proud of myself for how good I have gotten at a very important aspect of my job. In this regard, I have grown a lot and that's good.

I have been having issues with my right knee. Long story short, I may have a torn meniscus. In the past couple of days I have grown quite miserable about it. I'm O-V-E-R it. Right now I'm just waiting for MRI results that will tell me whether it is a torn meniscus and surgery is necessary. This is only beginning.

In an attempt to give myself a reprieve, something to look forward to (and focus on) and a way to broaden my horizons, I have booked a SOLO vacation to a foreign destination. I am SO, SO excited. Seriously, this saves me many a day.

I'm looking in to going back to school.

I have yet to go on a date since my late fall heartbreak. I've never been so heartbroken and I'm in a good place with it right now but I'm tired. I'm not opposed to a date though. I will have to test the waters eventually...

My new year's resolution to approach life from a "place of yes" (sorry, didn't mean to quote Bethenny Frankel) is going well. I've got a fun day trip out of NYC planned for this weekend. It costs a bit more than I'd normally spend (and would thus say "no" to it) but it won't break the bank and I think it will be fun.

What's new with you?

twenty eleven into twenty twelve

It's been a while again...

But it is the end of the year and, like every year and everyone, I am in a reflective mood.

I'm really excited for 2012. I plan on doing some amazing things including:

Taking a big trip (hopefully abroad)

Applying to go back to school part time

Approaching life from a "yes" perspective. I read somewhere that a great way to meet people in this crazy city is to say "yes" to everything. So unless it is financially, physically, or emotionally a horrible, horrible idea, I plan to do just that.

2011 was a good year for me. I overcame many obstacles. It was the first year I felt truly comfortable in my New York skin. I made strides professionally by expanding my skill set and confidence. I met someone I really enjoyed spending time with and felt I could fall for. I've always wanted that. And even though he didn't share the same feelings, it was a wonderful thing and I'm happy we spent the time together. I also realized that I really do want to pursue more education after several years of waffling and trying to figure it out. I'm really excited about it.

I knew 2011 would be good and it was. I'm looking forward to an even better 2012 and will go out and celebrate with friends tonight.

Happy New Year!