finding waldo, finding light

I smashed my right pinky finger in a drawer tonight pretty hard. It is swollen and already a couple of gorgeous shades. So I am typing a little wonky but still not doing that bad of a job.

I spent the weekend moving upstairs (my apartment is two floors - rare for NYC!) and into my new bedroom. It has a skylight! I bought sunflowers to mark a new era of light in my life. I love my new room and am feeling more hopeful and settled in it even though it has only been 24 hrs. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see myself here three more years from now. I can see myself meeting a great guy here. I have faith that it is going to happen. It has been the longest time since I've felt that way. Amazing what a little light can do.

I didn't partake in the Halloween festivities, as predicted. I preferred to spend the weekend rearranging, reorganizing, and regrouping. But I did do my share of observing and I will say that people watching is so much fun over Halloween weekend. I found myself looking at people in costume on the subway and thinking that for several of them, if it wasn't Halloween, I wouldn't look twice at them. I would just think that's the way they dress.

I saw an Alice in Wonderland with her husband, the Mad Hatter, and a couple dressed as Mario and Luigi from Super Mario Bros. And So. Many. Lady Gagas. But my favorite by far were all the Waldos. I found Waldo first at a bus stop. Then I saw him at the Subway station. But when I saw him tonight at Chipotle, I began to wonder if Waldo is just as popular this year as Gaga and Snooki.

I wonder if finding Waldo three times in 24 hrs is lucky. You know, like a four leaf clover. Some luck and more light could only do me good.

Happy Halloween everyone! What did you all do and see today?

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this is my halloween

Friends, I like Halloween but... as an adult, I'm not a huge fan. I find I do not enjoy the costume thing as much as I did when I was a kid. It isn't for everyone. Plus I'm not super creative so I never think of cool ideas like going as "swine flu." (A girl I know wore pink scrubs and a pig snout.) Tonight I was watching the episode of The Office where every woman in the office dressed up as a cat. Yeah, I've totally been the cat. More than once.

So when I found out that my apartment move coincided with Halloween weekend (not out just up - I'm playing musical bedrooms since one of the roomies moved in with her bf.) I didn't stress over it. Last year I went to D.C. instead of dressing up and going out. The year before that I moved into this apartment on October 31st and spent the night nursing a cold and unpacking. The year before that I was new to the city and fresh faced so - in a night that is a feather in my proverbial feather cap - I dressed up as a Hershey kiss with my then roommate and we went bowling at Chelsea Piers.

Now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I was doing something more like the latter this year. I think my Halloween indifference is wearing off. Elvis walked by my cubicle at work today and Lisbeth Salander made an appearance before going to a party held by another department. Oh how I looked longingly at that conference room as the sounds of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" mingled with my Excel spreadsheet. (Side note: If you haven't read Stiegg Larsson's Millenium Series - Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, etc. you MUST!) Apparently, my department feels the same way about Halloween. No one dressed up. Unless you consider dressing like a "real New Yorker." Today I wore a black dress, black leggings, black boots, and a black cardigan.

While I might attempt the West Village Halloween Parade this weekend, I think I will have to plan on embracing it all next year. Hopefully, it will not involve spending the day dressed up as an exhausted single gal who has moved her belongings yet again. But one never knows. This is New York.

for Summer

So much love to you Summer, xoxo

my october weekend was

I haven't done one of these in a while... I started them in an attempt to extract the small, sometimes seemingly meaningless moments from an "ordinary" weekend in order to see them in a positive and meaningful light. Here goes...

My weekend was...

Trivial Pursuit cards at an 80's theme diner with the roomie while we waited for our giant burgers. Did you know that the average woman's bra size in the 50's was 34B. I think I'm remembering that correctly...

relaxing at the movies watching the flick about the youngest billionaire ever. Thinking that I should quit Facebook. Then checking Facebook on my phone directly after the movie. Yeah...

going to dance class for the first time in a while and having that peaceful moment during warm up where I remember just how fun it is to live in this city.

going out with a new friend and realizing that sometimes you have to call it a night at 11 because you are just too darn tired.

sitting on the back of a U-Haul while I watched my favorite roommate move out and reflecting as all of my neighborhood walked by.

knowing that it will be me and that U-Haul soon.

What was your weekend?

Also, please take a moment to say a prayer or put some good thoughts out there in the universe for my blog bud, Summer, who lost her father this weekend. Summer, I am so sorry for your loss.

dear santa

Dear Santa,

I know the jack-o-lanterns haven't even been carved yet in many a home and that Christmas is still months away but I thought I'd get my request in early because it is a big one.

Santa, I want my own place.

In my lifetime I have had more roommates than I have fingers and toes. Some are still good friends (like my very first roomie from my semester abroad who I recent rediscovered London with in May.) Some roommates I just shared a living space with - like Megan and Leslie and Mary, who left halfway through my final semester of college. I have no idea where she is or what she's doing now but she was a nice girl and I remember having a fun dinner with her on a Tuesday night at a Chili's in Walnut Creek. Then there are the roommates who made things difficult. They were tough to get along with. They were in my face and space and made me want to scream.

Santa, it is time. I am in a particularly bad pickle right now and am so very done with roomies in general. The disagreements, the passive aggression, the pissy attitudes because someone didn't clean the counter right.

I dream of a studio apartment of my very own. It is small but that's OK. For it I will buy a new rug and new curtains and, eventually, a new couch. A few cute dishes and Lysol under the sink.

If you're feeling particularly generous this holiday season, a 1 bedroom would be awesome but I know you are a busy guy so I won't push my luck.

strength and courage

God, grant us the...

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

Serenity Prayer (Extended Version)

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

Mark Twain

People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest.

Herman Hesse

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.

Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

500 days of small things: 1 & 2

I'm stealing this idea from Summer. I will post 500 "small things" that make my life amazing. (Or at least that's the goal.) Here we go!

500 Days of Small Things

Days 1 & 2

1. An e-mail I received from an almost-four-year-old who I used to babysit here in New York before they moved back to "Europe"

"Dear "M" - we hope to see you when we come back to New York. I
love you very much
"A"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ1234567890

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

He did the "kisses," alphabet and numbers by himself, his mom added. And recognized me immediately in pictures I sent them. My cup runeth over.

2. A quote from my own mother:

"You're strong. They wrote a book about you."

Now you're probably wondering which literary heroine my mother is comparing me to. Jo from Little Women or even Wuthering Heights's Katherine?

She is actually referring to this book. Her copy is well worn:

get upset and flip out

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I have seen this everywhere lately. And today I feel like I need to get a giant poster version and hang it all over my apartment. Lately, I have to remind myself to breathe. I got a lovely e-mail yesterday from a blog bud who mentioned it seems I have been having a hard time. It is quite obvious no matter how veiled and non-descript my posts are and I do appreciate the support.

The last thing I want is to be dramatic or a negative Nancy. Life is full of challenges and mine are very small in comparison to those who are so much less fortunate than I am and who have been so much more than I could even imagine. Still, we get bumps and bruises along the way. We flip out and cry and think that nothing will ever go our way. We would totally throw a giant tantrum in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store if it were still socially acceptable as an adult.

Feelings get hurt, disappointments abound, and we don't get it. It just isn't fair. Why do others get what we don't? Why do they have what we so badly want? What are we supposed to be learning from this and can we hurry up and learn it already so we can get to the good stuff?

I'm tired of asking these questions and I'm tired of posting thinly cloaked musings on why life seems not to be going my way these days. So I will sign off of that soapbox for a while and just keep calm and carry on.

a post in three quotes

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deep thoughts for a saturday night

The birthday party is tonight.

I'm wearing the new little black dress, which roomie has convinced me does not make me look like a bubble.

And the black boots.

I will feel very New York. Which is rare for me.

Because I'm not New York. I'm California with a touch of the Midwest. But I am here and life is not glamorous.

I'm jeans and a tee at lunch with a wonderful friend. I'm the girl who constantly loses her keys and who chooses ice cream and conversation with a great friend over the meat market downtown. I'm a girl who cries hard and feels a lot. Who gets attached and feels loss deeply.

I was the strong willed two year old with the Shirley Temple curls. I'm the girl who still has that spirit in me.

I'm the palm trees and the 2/3 train. I'm San Francisco and Lexington Ave.

I'm entirely too mean to myself, too hard on myself, too unforgiving.

I'm the jeans and the little black dress.

Oh, and the boots too.

monday you can fall apart. tuesday, wednesday, break my heart...

uno.

The new dress I am wearing from H&M. Unfortunately, their website kind of sucks and I don't have a picture but it was only $14.00 and is super cute! I also bought a new LBD (little black dress) on impulse without even trying it on first. I hope it fits because I hope to wear it to a friend's birthday party tomorrow night!

dos.

"paciencia y fe"

I keep saying those words over and over to myself. I am perhaps the world's most impatient person (and have been since uhh, before birth, as I was born 8 wks premature!) This week I am trying to focus on the idea that with patience and faith, things will work out the way I want them to.

tres.

Sh*t My Dad Says

Apparently, this guy is 29, from So Cal (woohoo!) and lives with his dad who says the most hilarious sh*t. He started a Twitter account and that became a book. I read the book while I was in the Hamptons over Labor Day weekend and could not stop laughing. You must ALL read it (and the Twitter feed!) These gems are my personal fave. This guy needs to be my father-in-law, I think.

"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least sh*tty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."

"See, you think I give a sh*t. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of sh*t? That's why I look interested."

"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh*t."

cuatro.

Speaking of books, I am currently reading this one:




It is the book the new movie, The Social Network was based on. I'm about halfway through and can I just say I am not on Team Zuckerberg so far. Yet, I still checked my Facebook account this morning. Brilliant.

cinco.

Today I love all the things I am thankful for: an amazing mom, a hilarious father who spent 15 minutes complaining to me about his "ear bob" (Bluetooth) and how he keeps "butt dialing" people with it the other day. (His words, not mine!), a sweet baby brother, true friends, opportunities, patience, faith, hope, tough times that give you perspective, and everything great that is yet to come. Good things.

urban heart & urban hope

Two photos I took during the weekend with BFF.

"urban hope" (upper) was taken from the rooftop of the MET

"urban heart" (lower) was taken on the Brooklyn Bridge

"i keep your picture in my worn through shoes"

My blog bud Summer posted this song today.



I have been listening to it non-stop all afternoon. It is talking me down.

Guys, I am a bitter Betty today.

I normally avoid speaking in specifics about people in my life with the general understanding that I wouldn't want to find myself the center of a cyberspace rant. Add to that the (possibly irrational) fear that someone I date will discover loads of bloggy goodies about himself on this little space and my cardinal blog rule that specifics about family and friends are way off limits. Finish off with the fact that I simply don't want to bore you all with the same shizz over and over again.

But I must, again, talk about the dating.

Oh, dating. How I harbor a general disdain for you. Except when things are going well. Then I love you to bits. Natch.

Enter the most recent dude. He expressed interest. A lot of it. My phone was blowin' up (to use an expression I can't stand.) At first I maintained a healthy amount of skepticism. "What exactly is behind a gentleman's constant attention?" a true lady must ask herself. But he seemed to like to talk to me and I liked talking to him so I went with it.

Then the inevitable happened.

I started to have expectations. Expectations in keeping with the precedent HE set and in keeping with my gender. It is a curse really. When that voice in your head starts screaming on the second date it is sometimes hard to get her to shut the hell up. But I didn't go psycho girl if that is what you are thinking. All was kept light and airy. Fun. I can do fun!

Two nice dates were had. I admit I goofed on the second one and chose a movie that should never, ever be seen by second daters. It was tres depressing! So when we parted that night I was feeling sheepishly stupid but no harm, no foul. Right?

The goodbye was weird.

Kiss of death. I have been on enough dates to know that something was not right in Wooville. I tried to resusscitate things over the next couple of days but it all just flatlined. I mean, he was gone. As in no forwarding address. Disappeared. F'ing agreed to go out again, acted interested and then adios.

I'm pissed.

Yep, I am. And I hate that I feel like this makes me just one cat short of a crazy lady. But y'all saw my list. Out of all the lucky lads on that list I can count on my fingers (and exclude the thumb!) how many guys I have liked. He made that short list! But women are crazy. They want too much too fast. Far be it for us to expect a guy to set a precedent of being interested then stick with it. Hell, they don't have to stick with it. Just have the courtesy to inform us when you aren't going to. We've all been there. We've all had the "It's not you. It's me." conversation. Everyone knows it is fake but it is the right thing to do.

Mr. Gable he made me like him! I didn't wanna do it. (Well, I did but you get the point.) And now it is back to the drawing board. And since this is my pity post and I will act crazy if I want to, I finish with the stereotypical flourish:

MEN! Ugh.

paciencia y fe

BFF is here for the weekend and we just got back from the theater. I say that with a snooty accent of course. We saw "In the Heights," which I had seen before and loved. But Jordin Sparks is currently in the lead role and while girlfriend can sing, she wasn't the best choice for the role, I must say.

One of the songs in the musical, which takes place in Washington Heights (NYC) and in a prominently Latino area, is called "Paciencia y Fe" which translates to Patience and Faith.

A couple of weeks up, a bit of sun, and a bit of reality later I'm telling myself that good things come to those who wait.

I had been talking to a boy, we went out twice, and now it seems he's just not that into me. Paciencia y fe.

I lost out on something I really wanted. Fingers uncrossed. Paciencia y fe.

My roommate sent me this today:

Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist.
It is the trust that they will not last forever,
that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome.
It is faith that a source of strength and renewal lies within,
to lead us through the dark into sunshine.

For those of you who are in need of a bit of hope, I hope these words are a bit of comfort to you. Paciencia y fe.