currently...

Listening...to the AC running. 

Eating...nothing.  I just had a huge dinner at a fave Mexican place and am stuffed to the gills!

Drinking...seltzer water.

Wearing...PJs and if you must know they are the "skimpiest" ones I own. It's hot ya'll!

Feeling...happy!!! And relieved.

Weather...dark but still so hot and humid. 

Needing...a haircut, a massage, a pedicure, a vacation, a hug, a smile, to go to sleep because it is late.

Wanting...to figure out how to make a vacation I've been trying to work out happen. 

Thinking...that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. How cynical am I?

Enjoying...this feeling of happiness. I got some great news today and will be starting a new job in a couple of weeks. 

getting a bit deep on america's birthday (happy birthday, america!)

Happy Independence Day everyone!

I meandered over to the blog tonight because I always like to see what I was doing/thinking/saying on holidays (and even regular days) and the blog is a good resource for those kinds of facts. Last year I posted about the last four fourths. I can't believe a year has come and gone already since that post and that day. I remember I wasn't feeling 100% and spent that evening watching the fireworks on TV and thinking that hopefully the next year's fourth would be more exciting.

It was very nice, I can report.

I am absolutely in love with spending time alone in the park so after sleeping in until 11 am (Yikes! Haven't done that in a long time!) I tidied up my room, unpacked from my recent trip to CA, and gathered my gear for some CP time. While there I inched myself out of the sun and back under the tree's shade a few times, got several dozen clicks on my Kindle through the latest manuscript I'm reading for work, and got that lovely sweat-behind-my-knees sensation.

I then came home, showered, vegged a bit and got ready for the night. Some friends and I got a group together to go to Sea in the Meatpacking District, a really good Thai place (with really horrible service -- I always hate complaining because I worked in hospitality once so I know what it is like but it was just not good tonight.)

Afterward we braved the crowds and made our way over closer to the Hudson River to see the fireworks display. As you will see from my last blog post about my previous four fourths as a New York resident, I hadn't yet see the NYC fireworks in person. It was crazy but after a lot of walking (and losing half of my group--leaving it to just one friend and myself) I got a great view of an amazing spectacle bursting and popping in through the dark and steady buildings. What fun!

The subway ride home wasn't bad at all and I made it in the door at a decent hour only to jump in the shower again (it was disgusting out). I don't know what it is about me and holidays and reminiscing. Sure, the big ones will make you think back to what you did last year: Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, your birthday, but I also tend to think a lot about Memorial Day, Labor Day, July 4th and even Columbus Day and how my life has changed since the last time they rolled around.

I remember being a little down last year but looking back on it I don't remember it as sadly as I probably felt (all sick and sick of being sick and such) so I guess that says a lot about memory and resiliency. I can't say where I'll be or what I'll be doing next July 4th. So many things are up in the air, it feels like. I just know that between this one and the last one I've felt  a bit more love, a bit more peace, and a bit more happiness.

That's all that matters.

sun is good for my soul

I will readily admit that I haven't been the rosiest of people lately. I've been stressed and sad and confused and in need of a break from the same ol' shiz. The past two weekends have been

lovely.

I was lucky enough to have a 3 1/2 day weekend last weekend due to the Memorial Day holiday. On Friday, after work, I went to a late lunch with two co-workers and then went home to spend some quality time with little ol' me. I was feeling lazy on Saturday and could have very easily spent the day vegging in front of Netflix and Hulu but it was a gorgeous day so I put on my sunglasses and my SPF, grabbed my book and an old bath towel and headed for the beach (read: Central Park). I never understood the girls in the bikinis in the Park until my 2nd or 3rd summer in this humid, sticky, gross city. I opted for a tank top and skirt but I had a wonderful time reading and soaking up some much needed Vitamin D.

It's official. I'm a California girl to my core. I need the rays. They set things right.

I spent Saturday night with a sweet baby, a comfortable couch, and the rest of my book. On Sunday I ventured to Brooklyn and saw an old coworker turned friend. She, another friend of hers, and I decided to watch a "bad movie" with beers and potato chips and then trekked down the block to a bar with an outdoor patio for another beer. Monday was another park day and another book. Rejuvenation at its best.

This weekend I'm dog sitting for my good friend's very cute and sweet pooch. He and I have been enjoying time in her cute and cozy 1BR apartment, walking in Central Park with a dog-loving friend of mine, watching way too much Bravo, eating salads from the Lenny's down the street, and hanging out on the patio with my latest book, The Best of Everything, a charming novel about five women working in the NYC publishing industry in the 50's. The book was written in 1958 and I keep having to remind myself that all the men, the booze, the sex, the office shenanigans were so much more taboo then. The blurb on the back compares it to Valley of the Dolls and Sex and the City but I think of it more as a more female-centric Mad Men.

Yes friends, the sun is good for my soul.

may nineteenth

Another month, another random night during which I feel compelled to write again. I've mostly not deleted this blog because I'm voyeuristic like everyone else and I like my reading list here.

I also haven't deleted it because of nights like tonight.

I was a horrible friend today. I was flaky and unreliable. Two things I am NOT at all.

I'm very unhappy with certain parts of my life. They make me a little crazy and tired and then on the weekends I don't want to do much. I'm not stuck in bed. I get out and do things. But I have little patience or energy and when I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. It is easier to go home and watch reruns of 90's TV shows on hulu for free. (Something I am currently doing even though I could be out with a friend. It is a Saturday night after all.)

I bailed on 2 friends today. I had meals and fun and laughs with 2 others. I am fortunate. My dance card is never this full. But that said I still feel like a bad friend, a lame with a capital "O", and a flake. I just didn't want to traipse all over the city. Life has been crazy. I've been sick due to stress, among other things. It is so much easier to hang with the 90's TV cast.

This is all over the place. As am I.

I'm not particularly depressed lately. I know what I have to do. I know what I want and it is just a matter of making things happen and how it is going to play out.

I've been in New York for four and a half years... So much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same. Evidence from the blog...

2009: On May 16th I volunteered with New York Cares at a painting project. I did this for several months, once a month, and loved it. Basically we went to a local PS in Harlem, painted murals of children's book covers, and ate free pizza after. So relaxing. I used to volunteer almost every weekend. I haven't done so in months.

2010: On May 19th I alluded to a job I lost out on. I was interviewing around a bit at the time and didn't want to risk my current employer finding out. I interviewed for a position I wanted at the time and didn't get the job. I am now glad I didn't so I guess that's good. I believe I had also just come back from my 2010 trip to London. Oh, travel. You are so good for my soul. Luckily, I didn't wait so long for my next one. I went to Ireland last month and it really changed my outlook on my future and what I'm capable of.

2011: On May 19th I addressed the books I'd been reading that day over the past three years. I have nothing to add right now. This is because I haven't picked up a book for pleasure in over two months. If you know me you know this is a big deal to me. Huge. Changes must be made.

On May 16th I mentioned a date that I had the next night. I do not remember who this guy is. Through process of elimination I could probably figure it out but I guess the point is that I can't for the life of me think of who this person could possibly be. Not that I just can't remember his name but can remember that he was "the cowboy" or the one with the crooked teeth. Nothing. This is sad to me right now.

I think my days in NYC are numbered. One can never tell, of course. I won't jump to conclusions or count my chickens but I know they are numbered.

So weird...

drive by pondering

I honestly had to look at the blog before I posted this to remind myself when I blogged last. It has been well over a month. I feel I've run out of blogging steam.

Yet tonight I felt compelled to write. Not sure why. I'm sitting here in a hotel in another city, watching Friends on Nick at Nite, and thinking about my life. Because all of one's pondering and contemplating should take place during a stressful business trip during the few spare moments one has.

That makes complete sense.

I went to Ireland at the beginning of the month. Solo. Decided I was tired of waiting for friends to have the time or money, that I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I wanted something amazing to look forward to--something out of the ordinary. I had an absolutely amazing time. I chatted up locals in bars, hung out with more Aussies than I'd ever previously met, enjoyed "trad music" and hilarious storytelling, met a cute/shy Irish guy in an American themed club and didn't understand half of what he said, biked a picturesque island, learned the history of a beautiful country, and so much more.

Now I'm back in reality.

The trip (like most experiences in life) changed things for me. I am thinking about what can be in a strong and positive way, instead of feeling bogged down in the competition, the concrete jungle, the way I think things should be based on the rat race. Options, people. I guess that's what it is about, if I put it simply.

I should hear soon about school and going back part-time in the Fall. Regardless of the outcome, another window has opened. For now I'll wake up in the morning, run around this city, go back to the office, and do it all over again. It's not that I am miserable. I enjoy my job most days lately and my life is full of opportunities and blessings.

It's just about seeing the forest through the trees.

You know, all those trees in the city.

a study in single behavior

Those of you who are Sex and the City fans. . . remember the one where the girls sit around and talk about their "single person" behavior? Miranda liked to watch infomercials and lotion her hands or something, Charlotte liked to stare at her pores, Carrie ate saltines with jelly on them in the kitchen while reading a magazine.

I can't decide if it is sad that I remember this or impressive.

Anyway. . .

Today I was thinking about my "single person" behaviors. For a while I didn't really think I had any. I've always lived with someone. These days it happens to be three other girls. Our lives move around and sometimes intersect but for the most part we live very singly. Which is why Ido have single person behavior. Plus I have never shared my time and space with a guy so my habits are well worn in. Here are some:

1. I eat cereal for dinner about twice a week. Or I eat it for dessert. I always eat it out of a mug. My old roommate thought this was weird.

2. The other 5 nights I eat a variation of pasta with something, turkey meatballs, veggies, fruit and yogurt. I get most of my protein and such from eating out. Which I also do once or twice a week.

3. I watch the Today Show while I get dressed in the morning. If I hit "Uncle Willie" I'm runningvery late.

4. I have a pillow top mattress (a side effect from sleeping on a Coleman air mattress for my first month in NY -- I bought the softest, most fluffy bed I could find.) Something I kind of regret. You can tell exactly where I sleep. Every night I try to "wear in" a new part of the bed but gravity always finds me in the same place. Plus, unless I'm really tired, the difference in the mattress bugs me.

5. I watch Teen Mom 2, some of the Real Housewives, and other crappy reality TV shows constantly. By watch I mean I usually have them in the background. My new thing, if I'm home, is to sit on the couch, surf the net, and "watch" Beverly Hills 90210 and Gilmore Girls on SOAP network on Saturdays/Sundays.

6. I sleep with everything but the kitchen sink on my bed. My room is small and my bed takes up a large part of it. I've gotten better about this but I go to sleep with my keys, my mail, my laptop, the remote, books, kleenex boxes, etc. on my bed. Not all at once, of course, but usually if I can't find my keys in the morning it is because they are underneath the extra blanket at the foot of the bed.

7. I sleep with one pillow (sometimes two) under my head and then one on each side of me.

8. OK, this isn't necessarily "single person behavior" but I was thinking about it today. I always give a dollar or some coins to buskers on the subway who make me smile. Especially if I've had a hard day. I dunno, I guess I kind of believe in karma.

9. I stop to pet dogs and smile at babies. I tone it down a lot when I'm with other people, especially guys because I don't want to send them running for hills just because they interpret that as MUST HAVE BABY NOW. MUST BUILD NEST NOW. As I always say, for the right guy and at the right time, I'll let the crazy out a bit more.

10. I take Sunday afternoon naps, go for random walks with Pandora playing in my ears, book solo trips to foreign countries, and have gone on dates with a cowboy, a gin maker, and a total heartbreaker. A couple in fact.

Someday I will find someone completely content with eating cereal out of a mug for dinner right along with me. Until then. . .

shake it out

This song is almost spiritual for me.

I can't stop listening to it.

stream of consciousness

More details...

The MRI came back for my knee and I do NOT have a torn meniscus which is good. I was having horrible thoughts of navigating NYC on crutches in the snow. (OK, my NYCers are now asking themselves "What snow?" but you get the gist of it.) I have tendonitis/something else syndrome so I start physical therapy on Wednesday. I'm hoping that I'll get back in tip top shape and get back to the gym soon.

Work has calmed down some. Some of the winds have shifted and I am calmer at the end of the day so I am happy about that and just trying to focus on being the best I can at my job.

I might have a date. We haven't scheduled anything yet and I really, honestly, expect nothing but it is good for me to feel like I am moving on and getting over the horrible feelings I've had since last Fall. It is still hard for me because I really thought this guy and I were so right together but I have no control over anyone else's feelings or actions but my own and I'm just trying to focus on positivity, being openminded, and enjoying life in the moment (which I struggle with, interestingly enough.)

I read this amazing book last week called Q.U.I.E.T by Sus.an C.ai.n. Sorry for the periods. I just don't really want my silly blog to pop up on any more author radars right now. The book takes a look at what it is to be an introvert in a "world that can't stop talking" and it is really, really interesting. I am a classic introvert (have been since I was very small) so to have my thoughts and feelings laid out in front of me with a focus on the positive was so empowering. I highly recommend this book (regardless of whether you consider yourself an introvert but especially if you do). It will change the way you see yourself.

Other than that I've been busy working and babysitting to earn money for my big solo trip this Spring. My little point-and-shoot camera has also finally gone kaput on me so I'm in the process of pricing out a new one. I have to get one before the trip (imagine going on the trip of a lifetime with no camera! Never! For this girl anyway...) and I'm trying to decide how "all out" I want to go. I really want a DSLR but they are very expensive and since I'm already putting down a good chunk on the trip itself, I am very hesitant to make another large purchase. That said, I've found one that isn't too bad, price wise, has good reviews online and would allow me to really start getting more into photography. If I decide to buy another point-and-shoot I'm going to go for the brand I already have (it lasted me a while) and it won't be too expensive. It just seems a shame not to get the better option and have better quality photos of my travels, if I can swing it.... First world problems, right?

I've had Adele in my head ever since the Grammy's last night. Love her to pieces. She seems like someone I could really hang out with and 21 basically got me through the last year (and this year so far) with "Someone Like You" and "Rolling in the Deep" and "Set Fire to the Rain"I love how we all become so attached to music and lyrics, as if they are written about us and our lives. I know that's why some people get really attached to the artists too. Case and point, Whitney Houston. I'm shocked I don't have her songs in my head today (though I did watch the video for "I Will Always Love You" online last night for the heck of it.)

School is progressing. I'm in the process of applying to a couple and I will be glad when that part is over and the waiting can begin. Valentine's Day is tomorrow (as if you didn't already know!) and while I think the day is pretty universally hard for every single girl (no matter what she says) it is what it is and I will be giving a lovely couple a chance to have dinner together while their child sleeps and I work on their couch. Karma. Maybe she'll smile on me this year.

Have a great week everyone.

details without much detail

I have been MIA for quite a while.

It seems I just don't know what to write any more that isn't too negative, too personal, too much.

Without going in to too much detail, here is what is going on:

Work is rough. Every day I struggle with the fact that I wanted the job I have. I sought it out. I was so excited about it. I know so many people have things about their work life they do not love. I'm there, in spades, right now. My goal is to try to identify one thing per day that I really like about my job--to help me beat down the negativity and stress. Today it was that I spoke to two authors with complete ease on the phone. A year ago, I would have been a huge bundle of nerves. Authors are our industry's rockstars. Author care is an art form, really. Today I had a meeting right in between the calls and was juggling a last minute project that I HAD to get done in about 10 minutes. I am really proud of myself for how good I have gotten at a very important aspect of my job. In this regard, I have grown a lot and that's good.

I have been having issues with my right knee. Long story short, I may have a torn meniscus. In the past couple of days I have grown quite miserable about it. I'm O-V-E-R it. Right now I'm just waiting for MRI results that will tell me whether it is a torn meniscus and surgery is necessary. This is only beginning.

In an attempt to give myself a reprieve, something to look forward to (and focus on) and a way to broaden my horizons, I have booked a SOLO vacation to a foreign destination. I am SO, SO excited. Seriously, this saves me many a day.

I'm looking in to going back to school.

I have yet to go on a date since my late fall heartbreak. I've never been so heartbroken and I'm in a good place with it right now but I'm tired. I'm not opposed to a date though. I will have to test the waters eventually...

My new year's resolution to approach life from a "place of yes" (sorry, didn't mean to quote Bethenny Frankel) is going well. I've got a fun day trip out of NYC planned for this weekend. It costs a bit more than I'd normally spend (and would thus say "no" to it) but it won't break the bank and I think it will be fun.

What's new with you?