may nineteenth

Another month, another random night during which I feel compelled to write again. I've mostly not deleted this blog because I'm voyeuristic like everyone else and I like my reading list here.

I also haven't deleted it because of nights like tonight.

I was a horrible friend today. I was flaky and unreliable. Two things I am NOT at all.

I'm very unhappy with certain parts of my life. They make me a little crazy and tired and then on the weekends I don't want to do much. I'm not stuck in bed. I get out and do things. But I have little patience or energy and when I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. It is easier to go home and watch reruns of 90's TV shows on hulu for free. (Something I am currently doing even though I could be out with a friend. It is a Saturday night after all.)

I bailed on 2 friends today. I had meals and fun and laughs with 2 others. I am fortunate. My dance card is never this full. But that said I still feel like a bad friend, a lame with a capital "O", and a flake. I just didn't want to traipse all over the city. Life has been crazy. I've been sick due to stress, among other things. It is so much easier to hang with the 90's TV cast.

This is all over the place. As am I.

I'm not particularly depressed lately. I know what I have to do. I know what I want and it is just a matter of making things happen and how it is going to play out.

I've been in New York for four and a half years... So much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same. Evidence from the blog...

2009: On May 16th I volunteered with New York Cares at a painting project. I did this for several months, once a month, and loved it. Basically we went to a local PS in Harlem, painted murals of children's book covers, and ate free pizza after. So relaxing. I used to volunteer almost every weekend. I haven't done so in months.

2010: On May 19th I alluded to a job I lost out on. I was interviewing around a bit at the time and didn't want to risk my current employer finding out. I interviewed for a position I wanted at the time and didn't get the job. I am now glad I didn't so I guess that's good. I believe I had also just come back from my 2010 trip to London. Oh, travel. You are so good for my soul. Luckily, I didn't wait so long for my next one. I went to Ireland last month and it really changed my outlook on my future and what I'm capable of.

2011: On May 19th I addressed the books I'd been reading that day over the past three years. I have nothing to add right now. This is because I haven't picked up a book for pleasure in over two months. If you know me you know this is a big deal to me. Huge. Changes must be made.

On May 16th I mentioned a date that I had the next night. I do not remember who this guy is. Through process of elimination I could probably figure it out but I guess the point is that I can't for the life of me think of who this person could possibly be. Not that I just can't remember his name but can remember that he was "the cowboy" or the one with the crooked teeth. Nothing. This is sad to me right now.

I think my days in NYC are numbered. One can never tell, of course. I won't jump to conclusions or count my chickens but I know they are numbered.

So weird...