sad face

First of all, I'm sorry for grossing you, my lovely readers, out with the frog legs. I thought it was kind of cool and I'm the chick who can only watch TV edited versions of graphic movies because I don't like the blood and guts stuff so who knew...

Tuesday night I met MCW and Summer from B is for Brown for drinks at the Beer Bar over by Grand Central Station. They are both sweet girls and I was so happy to be able to meet up with them and get to know them (and meet Summer for the first time!) I'm still not quite used to sitting in front of people I haven't spent a lot of time with but who, because of this blog, know quite a bit about me. I am a modest and quiet person in general. I always have been and Summer and I were talking about putting your life out there on the internet while still trying to retain some anonymity. How funny it was to sit there and realize that the blogs I lurk on (that aren't on my blogroll, that no one really knows I lurk on and I didn't find through either of these girls' blogs) are "famous" in the blog world. How interesting that three girls, each from different parts of the country living in New York, are a part of this web on the web (if you'll pardon the bad pun-like phrase).

I confess, blog friends, that I have been having a hard couple of months. I have chosen not to share because... well... I can't share all of it but today I am sad because I fear two close friendships have ended. One has kind of been a long time coming but I guess I never thought it would get this bad and it was like I turned around and everything had changed. Another one is pretty much out of the blue and I am incredibly hurt. I almost feel like the life I have spent the last 2 1/2 years building for myself here is falling apart. Sure friends have come and gone (and always will) but these two people are the two I would consider my best friends in this city. I spent a lot of time with them, trusted them, confided in them, listened to them, hung out with them, laughed with them and now it seems to be done.

This whole thing makes me feel like I am 11 years old again. I was a sensitive and shy kid, one who was loyal to a fault and a doormat for her popular, good-with-boys friends. Every other day in sixth grade my "friends" would decide that they wanted nothing to do with me. And I, the well-meaning and truly likeable kid who just wanted to be liked, would cry and cry before ballet class.

In some ways my patterns haven't changed. I'm still sensitive, sometimes shy and very loyal to my friends but I'm not a doormat and feel duped right now. I've been thinking a lot about friendships today; especially those between females, and why they are so important, so tumultuous and their endings often so devestating. In the absense of a significant other and family close by, my good friends have become my family. A private person, I invest a lot in others building trust, a repore, a connection before I fully let my guard down (I know this sounds pretty silly for someone to say who has a blog that strangers read) but these people know my secrets and my fears and I cared and still care about them.

There is much about the situation that I don't understand. My first instinct is to pack up and leave New York but I don't want to do that. I love it here. And I am and can make more friends. I can build relationships. It is just painful to think about how many good memories become clouded. I know in the end it is all worth it... Friendship and trust and love. But it doesn't feel that way right now.

oops

Sorry folks, I didn't mean to gross you all out with my last post.

frog legs

Here's something small and crazy to tide you over until I feel like actually writing a post again.

For the record, I stole the idea of posting it from The Bobby Pin.

These look totally unappetizing to me but I'm not much of an adventurous eater. Has anyone actually tried them?

in the thirties now...

Every time I talk to my dad on the phone he always tells me that he thought of something earlier that day or the day before that he wanted to tell me or ask me but he can't remember what it was. Then he says he should just keep a pad of paper and a pen with him to write things down. Usually about 15-20 mins into any given conversation he remembers.

Since my post about the number of dates I've had I've thought of at least five more that I'd forgotten.

I can't believe I forgot Screenplay Speed Dating Guy or that I forgot Wine Guy who kissed me and then never called. At some point during a work day I was reminded of the date I had right before I went to Washington, D.C. last fall who was obsessed with Mexico. And then there was Fellow Southern Californian who wouldn't stop talking politics so I told him I had a stomachache (I really did but I played it up) and went home.

I'm thinking there are still one or two more I am forgetting. This puts me squarely in the thirties, I think.

miscellaneous monday - the answers

So I got some comments and questions in regard to my last miscellaneous post so here are my answers:

1. Yes, I am nuts for having no AC. Perhaps that is why I've been so grumpy lately.

2. I feel like I have been talking about jury duty so much this week and correcting people when they ask me what my case was like. I heard multiple cases and voted with others on whether to indict the defendants. All "yes" votes will result in the case going to a trial where another jury will decide on the defendant's guilt. Most of my cases were narcotics related (simple "buy and bust" cases where an undercover officer bought heroin, cocaine or sometimes pills from the defendant and then they were arrested). I definitely learned we are not winning the drug war. It seems like so much money and effort is put into these simple cases where one zip (yeah, I know the lingo now) or a few pills are sold. I did hear one case that involved 4 people running an alleged heroin mill out of Riverdale and a couple of other larceny and gun possession cases.

The gun possession cases were interesting because we had one woman on the jury who was a little wack-a-doodle so every time she had to vote on a case where the word "intent" was used she would always act like she wanted to rewrite laws, say we don't know the person's intent, and argue with the ADAs. We all wanted to vote her off the island.

In general we didn't hear any cases that were super interesting. Just a lot of the same stuff.

3. The dog in the picture is the family dog who lives in California. I miss him so much. He just turned 11 and is N U T S but has calmed down a lot. Here's our first photo as a couple. He was 9 1/2 wks old:

4. I was talking with a co-worker yesterday about The Help and how I think it lends itself so much to a sequel. I can relate so much to Skeeter that I would love to see what happens with her next. And Aibeleen broke my heart.

5. My mom isn't actually trying to hook me up with Colby. She did try to set me up with a co-worker's son when I was in high school but I wasn't having any of it. In hindsight, I think it would have been fun if she did. We might have really gotten along. I don't have a nosy mother when it comes to my love life so I can't really relate to those who do but she is in my corner and when she says things like "I've seen a commercial on TV for eHarmony. Have you tried that? I'm just wondering. It's an idea." I love her all the more.

6. Stephanie, I don't know about Ali. I get that she's cute but sometimes she annoys me. In general though I like that they are playing up her "tomboy" side (though I honestly don't consider her a tomboy) and of all the types of women they could potentially have as Bachelorettes, she does seem the most real. She laughs at everything though! It kind of grates on me at times.

In general, though I know I can't take the show too seriously, what really gets me is how much she and the guys wax poetic about one another. "He could be my husband." and "She is the most amazing woman ever." it just makes me roll my eyes and go "Please, you met two seconds ago." And I do feel like all the exotic locales and hot Disney looking guys are really showing women that only beautiful people find love. Just sayin'. /soapbox rant

PS - Stephanie, how are you?! Where are you? Hope it is amazing.

miscellaneous monday

1. I am sort of addicted to the Bachelorette this season. But it is giving me a Prince Charming complex for sure.

2. I am also addicted to The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Can't stop reading it.

3. My mom called me on Friday to tell me she had heard about this mom who started a website to get her son a date. She thinks I should check him out. Our conversation about it was beyond cute. I love my mom and miss her so much.

4. Jury duty ended today. After serving two weeks on the Special Narcotics Jury for the Supreme Court of the County of New York I have learned the street name for Xanax and taken an elevator ride with a 32 lb. bag of confiscated marijuana. I know so much now.

5. I go "home" to California in just about 5 weeks. This is the longest I have gone since I've seen my family (since Christmas) and I can't wait to get back right now.

6. I still have not put in my AC. I know NY people are going to think I'm nuts but I live in a basement room so it is significantly cooler down here. That said, I do need to put it in. If I only had the strength to go to Home Depot and get wood to cover up the exposed parts of the window that the AC and the flap things don't cover.

7. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would quit my job and spend as much time dancing and traveling as I could stand to.

8. Here is a recent picture of the love of my life:

dancing with myself, part one

This weekend I decided to try something new.

I hadn't made any social plans and as several of my good friends here have either moved away, gotten boyfriends, or gone MIA, I've been feeling a bit blue lately.

So I decided to have a weekend long date with myself. I purposefully did not (try to) make plans with friends beyond the beach plans I'd tried to (fruitlessly) to make last weekend that led me to this idea. Instead, I decided to focus on spending some alone time with myself, enjoying the things that make me happy, and eliminating hurt feelings, frustration, loneliness, and all those other fun things no one likes to feel on a Saturday and Sunday anyway. I can't! I'm busy! I've got plans!

But Mama works hard for every penny so last night I spent the evening with a sweet little girl with an even sweeter British accent. She sang and danced for me, we colored in her Disney Princess Color Wonder book together (SO wish they would have had those when I was a girl!) and she proudly and confidently announced "I can do everyfink."

A lightbulb went on. Yes you can!

Her innocent comment got me thinking about all the things I have convinced myself I can't do or can't have simply through the realization of adulthood. Oh, to be three again! While I was there last night I mapped out a plan for myself for the weekend. Here it is:

Saturday:

late AM/early PM: laundry

It was so stinkin hot in that laundromat that I had to come home and jump in the shower. Obviously no one includes laundry in a fun "all me" weekend but ya can't run around naked!

late PM: haircut

This didn't go super well. I've been wanting, for a while now, to find a good salon/hairdresser that can help me with a great cut for my curls. I was so hot and so sick of the hair that I just gave up and went to a cheap-o place and got what I paid for. The fancy haircut will have to wait. Not really even sure what the woman did as I haven't styled my hair since the cut but I made sure I just stuck to the basics so she couldn't mess it up. Didn't end up getting that much cut off anyway.

6:00-7:30: dance class

I took jazz from a new teacher tonight. It was so hot in the studio that I was wondering for a while if I could even finish class. I did though and was a wuss and cabbed it home.

night: movie

While my clothes were in the spin cycle, I made my way over to Blockbuster. I've been wanting to see An Education for a while so I figured I would watch it tonight. I liked it a lot. Carey Mulligan is great.

On tomorrow's agenda...

massage (I splurged! I'm so excited!)

picnic/reading/writing in Central Park (if the heat is unbearable I might have to hit up a Starbucks instead)

grocery shopping/cooking/relaxing in the evening

as you were

I just got back from doing laundry in shorts, a tank top, and flip flops.

I am dripping sweat and now need to shower to hose myself off.

Summer is fun but c'mon fall!

california dreamin' on such a winter's day...

You know it is time for a trip back to California when...

the sight of surfboards in Montauk gets you a little misty-eyed

you have to throw out the burrito you are eating for dinner because you have rendered it inedible. (Happened to me recently with one I got from Whole Foods. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking in the first place.)

you read your friend's Facebook status about getting a new clutch for her Miata and it takes you a while to figure out what that means. (Again, true story. It was like I was reading another language! This is what happens when I stop driving!)

you have no idea if you will ever here the following eight words again: partly cloudy with a temperature of seventy degrees.

you can't remember the last time someone gave you a really good hug.

your current playlist includes the California theme from The OC, California Dreamin' by the Mamas and the Papas, California Love by TuPac, Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers and, of course, California Gurls by Katy Perry.

twenty-eight

Apparently, I am in the business of stealing blog post ideas this week as this latest one comes from MCW who, in her latest, blog post counted the number of dates she has ever had and mentioned a theory that I had never heard: that one has to go on 50! dates before one knows what she wants in a husband.

So... I decided to try my hand at figuring out my number. A few notes before I share. I have one too-young relationship under my belt. I did not really date in college and only started dating here in NYC. I laugh at this timing sometimes as I often feel like I just set myself up for difficulty with this but there's no going back now. Consequently, the majority of these dates have happened in the last couple of years. This fact alone makes me feel kind of like a you-know-what, but I assure you dear readers only a couple of these guys were good enough to get past the first date.

Without further ado, I give you the list:

Ex

Ryan the Kid

Skeezy ****

LI Chris

Not a Ryan

Burger Dan

UWS Dan

Mercury Bar Alex

P***

Starbucks Mike (?)

Looks like Andy from the Office

Renaissance Guy

Cutie Pie Gabe

Agent ****

The Lawyer I Really Like

Texas Lawyer

Ryan the Piano Man

Southern Lawyer

In the process of making this list, I remembered several guys but couldn't place exactly when I dated them so I just tacked them onto the end:

Not-a-Catholic Chris

The Greek Guy

Coffee Andrew

Loves Michael Jackson (this is the only one whose name I truly cannot remember)

Shortest Date Ever Scott

Drinks in May (OK, maybe this one too. I'm sorry, whatever your name was)

Saved by the Bell Scott

K's Set Up

Mr. Doesn't Like Dogs

Screenplay Guy (think his name was John?)

That's a grand total of 28. I'm over half-way there.

Most of these guys are have been defined in some way or another by profession (the three lawyers), what made our date memorable (I previously blogged about Renaissance Guy guy here - though I called him French Furniture Guy - as well as Not-a-Catholic guy and Screenplay guy), or in some cases what we did on our date (see Coffee Andrew and Starbucks Mike). You might remember Mr. Doesn't Like Dogs. Some asterisks have been inserted are there to protect the innocent. I've also applied question marks wherever needed.

So there you have it. Two Dan's, Two Ryan's, Three Chris's and a partridge in a pear tree.

Earlier tonight I was thinking about how I want to go on a date. That it feels like it has been a while since my last one. I looked at this list again and it all just makes me smile.

Life is funny.

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

The following post has been brought to you by the letters D S S (for Desperately Seeking Seersucker whose idea I am totally biting.)

My friend DSS posted today about how much she loves the song Paper Planes and cranks it up every time she hears it. (I love it too!)

So I thought I would post my current "crank-it-up-dance-to-it-like-a-nut-forever-on-repeat" song.

While I realize that Airplanes is in serious serious danger of being majorly overplayed (if it hasn't hit that status already) I really love this song. I find myself rocking out to the chorus, and the other night I went on a run (ok, ok it was more like a jog/power walk but in my defense - and to steal MCW's lovely descriptive phrase - it is hot as balls in NYC right now) around the Reservoir in Central Park) and just kept hitting the back button on this song hoping to glean some real speed and strength from it.

I guess this goes back to yesterday's post. "I could really use a wish right now." I was in Montauk over the weekend (for the 4th - will post pics soon, methinks) and I went into this goofy shop that was just crammed full of crap. I came across about three Magic 8 balls and promptly asked two very important questions. Both answers were along the lines of "all signs point to yes" so I'm hoping the Magic 8 ball works its magic here real soon.

What is your song right now?

you got served

I got served and then...

I won the lottery.

For the next two weeks I will be serving on the grand jury for the Supreme Court of New York State in the city of Manhattan along with 22 other lucky smiling persons. The state of New York is the only one in the union that uses a jury of one's peers to decide if a person will be indicted for a crime (rather than a judge as the other states use). I was not asked if I have any lawyers in my family or if I'm a radical who hates the Man. Grand jury selection is the luck of the draw. My name was selected out of what looked like one of those things they use to call the numbers at bingo. Out of a room of maybe 100, 46 of us were chosen to make up two juries. And I never win anything.

Two weeks. This means I am out of the office (much to everyone's chagrin including mine because it just adds to my stress level) and will be working from home, checking e-mail periodically and going in on the weekend to keep up with my workload.

I understand that this is my civic duty, however, the timing is awful! I just returned from my business trip to DC, was in the office and at my desk for two days before the Independence Day holiday and now I'm out until the 19th.

I've been pondering my luck lately. Not to be a Debbie Downer or throw myself a pity party but for the past six weeks or so my luck has kind of...well... sucked. But what goes down must come up, right?

Luckily, the juror break room has WiFi. That could be a start...

virtual wave

Hi folks.

Just checking in. Haven't felt much like blogging lately. I spent 5 days in D.C. for work and am still kind of recovering from that.

So this is just a "hi".

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend.