I just went. . .

. . .on the most awkward date ever tonight.

I decided to approach dating with a renewed vigor about two months ago. I know I complain a lot about how hard dating is in this crazy city. I don't think one can understand it until she tries it. It is so odd to be surrounded by so many people yet not be able to find one who catches your attention. Not meet someone with whom conversation sparks and chemistry flies. In a way it makes no sense to me yet all the sense in the world. Some days I think I'll give up one of these days and resign myself to the fact that dating and coupling in this city is not made for me. There are too many factors that work against me and I'm a fool to try.

But I'm strong willed and I'm here. So if I'm going to be here then why not be here completely? If I feel like putting myself up for the possibility of one of the worst dates ever on the chance that it might turn out to be one of the best, why shouldn't I?

That's exactly what I did tonight--armed with a nonchalant yet friendly attitude, I made my way downtown to meet another would-be stranger for another date.

Oh wow. This one was a tad painful. It was so awkward. Like he-barely-looked-me-in-the-eye awkward. I put on my brave face, politely ordered a second glass of wine, and asked him about his job. I thought maybe he'd loosen up talking about it but it is just who he is. And there is someone out there for him.

And there is someone out there for me.

On my way home, changing trains at Times Square, I chuckled to myself for my luck. A big step. I'm shifting focus. I'm backtracking once again. This round is over. I think because I'd felt rejected by someone I really liked I've been looking for a substitute when I really should be looking to myself. Of course I've known it all along. I just had to feel it.

I'm still me. I'm still strong willed and I still have faith.

I'm just going to try that faith out a little differently.