sad face

First of all, I'm sorry for grossing you, my lovely readers, out with the frog legs. I thought it was kind of cool and I'm the chick who can only watch TV edited versions of graphic movies because I don't like the blood and guts stuff so who knew...

Tuesday night I met MCW and Summer from B is for Brown for drinks at the Beer Bar over by Grand Central Station. They are both sweet girls and I was so happy to be able to meet up with them and get to know them (and meet Summer for the first time!) I'm still not quite used to sitting in front of people I haven't spent a lot of time with but who, because of this blog, know quite a bit about me. I am a modest and quiet person in general. I always have been and Summer and I were talking about putting your life out there on the internet while still trying to retain some anonymity. How funny it was to sit there and realize that the blogs I lurk on (that aren't on my blogroll, that no one really knows I lurk on and I didn't find through either of these girls' blogs) are "famous" in the blog world. How interesting that three girls, each from different parts of the country living in New York, are a part of this web on the web (if you'll pardon the bad pun-like phrase).

I confess, blog friends, that I have been having a hard couple of months. I have chosen not to share because... well... I can't share all of it but today I am sad because I fear two close friendships have ended. One has kind of been a long time coming but I guess I never thought it would get this bad and it was like I turned around and everything had changed. Another one is pretty much out of the blue and I am incredibly hurt. I almost feel like the life I have spent the last 2 1/2 years building for myself here is falling apart. Sure friends have come and gone (and always will) but these two people are the two I would consider my best friends in this city. I spent a lot of time with them, trusted them, confided in them, listened to them, hung out with them, laughed with them and now it seems to be done.

This whole thing makes me feel like I am 11 years old again. I was a sensitive and shy kid, one who was loyal to a fault and a doormat for her popular, good-with-boys friends. Every other day in sixth grade my "friends" would decide that they wanted nothing to do with me. And I, the well-meaning and truly likeable kid who just wanted to be liked, would cry and cry before ballet class.

In some ways my patterns haven't changed. I'm still sensitive, sometimes shy and very loyal to my friends but I'm not a doormat and feel duped right now. I've been thinking a lot about friendships today; especially those between females, and why they are so important, so tumultuous and their endings often so devestating. In the absense of a significant other and family close by, my good friends have become my family. A private person, I invest a lot in others building trust, a repore, a connection before I fully let my guard down (I know this sounds pretty silly for someone to say who has a blog that strangers read) but these people know my secrets and my fears and I cared and still care about them.

There is much about the situation that I don't understand. My first instinct is to pack up and leave New York but I don't want to do that. I love it here. And I am and can make more friends. I can build relationships. It is just painful to think about how many good memories become clouded. I know in the end it is all worth it... Friendship and trust and love. But it doesn't feel that way right now.